Von Von Von: The Definitive WOB Piece.


(DANIEL MAURER, reporting for wOb.) From the moment I saw his head shot- available in all of its Flash-animated glory at www.vonvonvon.com - I knew Von Von Von was God. It’s a slow night at Lillie’s, the old sailor’s bar on the desolate waterfront of Red Hook, Brooklyn- the car jacking capital of the world. All night, Lillie assures a smattering of unresponsive patrons, in her chipper Chatanooga patois, that “Von Von Von is coming.” When I finally ask her to explain, the loquacious blonde simply offers a photo of a white boy wearing a feather boa and sunglasses. We decide to stay for another round. Von Von Von walks in accompanied by a gaggle of giggling girls. He is the type the word “dude” was invented for: lanky, palid, just a little over six feet with a slight stoop, cheesy sideburns, and the shaggy hair of an 80s porn actor. But certain things about him scream ART STAR: the Blue Blockers he wears even under the bar’s bordello red lights; the faux gold necklace and the custom gold belt buckle declaring “VON”; the nude chest despite the fact that it is winter outside.	Suddenly a “talent scout” is on stage lauding the genius of having three names: “You ask Von Von Von what his name is and he says Von Von Von. You ask him again and he says, ‘Von Von Von, my name is Von Von Von.’ So right there, where another person has only said his name three times, Von Von Von has impressed his name upon you nine times.” von von von.	Von Von Von claims to hail from Antwerp, but there is something unconvincing about his Belgian accent when he mumbles into the mike, “it’s all about the love.” And then an 80s beat thrusts the crowd into something very sleazy, very greasy. When Von Von Von begins dancing-or “doing the Von,” as he calls it- his body moves in waves, like an obscene Slim Jim. There is a lot of shuffling, a lot of walking like an Egyptian, a lot of crotch gyrations that make you want to look away even as you erupt in laughter. This dude is painfully white, and yet his rhymes, from the first stanza, are golden: I don’t make mistakes, I’m too busy making love. I don’t make the scene, I’m too busy making love. If you see me, there is two possibilies: I’m either on my way or coming back from making love. Oh wait, there is a third one too. I could be making love to you.