At times it's hard being Pablo Maurer. I'm not talking about the 2 jobs, or the school, or any of the other assorted responsibilities that I've bestowed upon myself. No, what I refer to is a far greater burden. The burden of being, quite possibly, the most successful ladies man in the history of mankind.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Pablo, you don't need to explain yourself. Now please, get over here and give me a sizeable and enjoyable amount of loving." But please, allow me to address this issue. It is my responsibility to share my gift with the web-going public. And so, here are my 8 easy steps to becoming a ladies man. Of course, one will never approach the level of emotional and sexual prowice that I've achieved, but if you follow these steps, you may achieve at least 10% of the level that I have attained.

1) Showering is a must.

In order to attract "the ladies," it is quite essential that you take a shower. I
have found that a mix of both cold and hot water is comfortable. First, turn the
hot water knob. Then, adjust the cold water flow to your liking.



While in the shower, I highly recommend using some sort of soap. My preferred soap is wal-mart brand white bar soap. I feel that it leaves just the proper amount of   fragrance for "the ladies." Also it leaves my skin silky smooth, for said ladies. I would also recommend using a shampoo of some sort. On the side of the bottle, you will note a piece of advice from the shampoo company: rinse and repeat if necessary. I feel it is essential that you rinse, and then repeat. This extra wash sets you apart from the rest of the pack. It says  "Hey, look at me. I washed my hair more than once."

2) Post Shower Activities.

Brush the teeth. I recommend using a "toothbrush" for this. This is typically a piece of plastic with a sort of bristle assembly attached to it. If you don't have a toothbrush, you may substitute a rag, or your finger. But please look into the toothbrush.

After you have brushed your teeth to a shiny white gloss for "The Ladies," it is VITAL that you apply the proper amount of deoderant. My friend Sam Smith, fellow ladies man, has gotten me started using gel deoderant. It is a far cry from the stick deoderant that I used back in early 2002. I find that this gel coats my underarm in a most pleasing fashion, and that it is quite effective at both preventing perspiration and also attracting "the ladies."

Apply cologne. My preferred brand is Paco Rabanne, or Nautica, although almost anything, including rubbing an orange or lemon all over your bare body will do. I find that this is key in making myself as inscaciably attractive as I truly am to the ladies.



3) Dress To Impress

After rubbing fruit on your body, you may be ready to hit the streets. But let's remember, you're naked! So let's get some clothes on you. Here we see my preferred wardrobe: A pair of filthy pants, bought at structure in 1998, used for climbing buildings and drinking. A pair of filthy jeans, from Wal-Mart, used for working on my jeep, climbing buildings, and drinking (often all at the same time.) 2 pairs of boxer briefs. One pair of american flag boxers. One Hawaiian shirt, bought at structure in 1998. A filthy brown jug liquor shirt.

With these clothes, I posess the ability to make even the finest of the ladies quiver in her boots. First, apply the boxer briefs. One would do this by putting your legs through the two openings in the bottom of the underwear.  Now, the next step in the process is quite logically to slip into the shirt. This is where it gets tricky. AFTER APPLYING THE T-SHIRT, DO NOT CHANGE OR REMOVE IT. THE SMELL OF THE  PACO RABANNE OR ORANGE/LEMON YOU HAVE RUBBED ALL OVER YOUR BODY WILL BE LOST, TRANSFERRED TO THE SHIRT. THIS WOULD RESULT IN SEVERE DISPLEASURE ISSUED TO YOU BY ALL OF THE LADIES, EVEN THE UGLY ONES.

You follow this by putting on your pants, and then of course shoes. Now. Shoes - Do I wear the shoes-for-crews slip resistant sole clogs, with salsa stains all over them, or my pumas. Choices.



Also, keep at least one pair of EXTREMELY SHINY shoes in the closet at all times.



4) The Man in the Mirror

Now. Go back to the bathroom. It's the room where we were earlier, the one with the shower, and the toilet. Don't get distracted by the toilet. It's too complicated to use. Onwards. Look at yourself in the mirror. Now give your best "hey, sexy lady. let's go have some sex in the back of my car, behind a Dairy Queen" look. As you are giving this look, pretend the person in the mirror is not some ridiculously attractive man, dressed in a beautiful ensemble and smelling of fresh lemons. Instead, pretend like it is a fine lady. Now, say out loud:

"Hey, sexy lady. I've had my eye on you for a long time now, about 2 minutes. Now what do you say we get you out of those clothes, and into the back of my car, behind a Piggly Wiggly?"

5) A few pointers

a) Take notecards with you. Writing on a napkin and taking it with you will also work. You might think that she would be turned off by the sight of you looking at a notecard or a napkin and reading off of it "so, are those your real boobs? sweet," but she will be taken aback by your preparation. Be sure and note to her "i prepared these notecards just for your fine ass." surely she will appreciate this.

b) Make sure and never mention your ex-girlfriend. The ladies are not impressed by such things. Do not say things like "Yeah, so I was thinking the other day about this chick that i banged in the walk-in freezer at work." Ladies will be turned off by this. Although there is a distinct possibility that mentioning such an act will make the lady want to have sex with you in a walk-in cooler.

6) In the Car

First, apply some soft music. I suggest some Hall and Oates or perhaps even some Enya. Now, say this:

"Girl, I plan on dressing you in fine fabrics, imported from european or perhaps even asian countries. Then, we will go to dinner, where I will serve you only the finest in meats and cheeses. There will also be corn at this dinner. After this, we will make love for hours right here in the back of my car, behind an Old Navy."

Surely your lady of choice will have either burst into flames, or melted through the floorboard of your car.

7) Make Your Move

At the end of dinner, suggest that you not attend the movie at the dollar theatre like you had planned. Instead, say this.

"Girl, I just can't hold this feeling in any longer! Ever since i first saw you, 27 minutes ago, I've been madly in love with your every move. I've gotta do the freak-nasty with you in the back of my (insert car brand name here, or simply say Hyundai) right this very second. Now lets find a suitable place for freak-nastiness, such as a bank parking lot or the parking area behind a dentists office."



8) The Break-Up

It is true that all good things come to an end. And in my case, I simply cannot devote myself to only one of the ladies. There are many ladies in this world to be experienced, many of them who enjoy being fed corn. And so you will say this:

"Look (insert lady's name here.) I really appreciate the time we spend together. Nothing means more to me than cuddle-time with (insert name again.) But in these past 2 days, I've felt like we've been growing apart. I think it would be best for both of us if we started seeing other people. We can still be friends. PSYCHE!"

And there you have it. Hopefully these pointers will help you in your quest to be 1/2 the ladies man that I am.